Is Albus Dumbledore Gay?

According to the richest lady in Engand he is.

I read the following on Faggottyassfagot.com and thought it was a hoot!

Big gay Albus
Turkey might attack Iraq, Benazir Bhutto is in Pakistan for less than a day before a massive terrorist attack, and the entire city of Atlanta may have no drinking water in less than two months.

But forget all of that -- there's only one news story the entire effing universe is talking about this morning:

Dumbledore is a big ol' fairy.
That's right. Friday night, at a book reading at Carnegie Hall, the wealthiest author of all time, J.K. Rowling, had this to say:
"Dumbledore is gay."

Clears that right up.

But whew, did she ever stir the pot this time. This is going to be bigger than the Christians hating on Potter for the use of magic (because turning water into wine was what ... advanced food engineering from ADM, supermarket to the world?). It's going to even be bigger than that Potter wiener and the naked horse massacre.

Now, before the "wand" jokes get started, before the "light in the wizard slippers" cracks starting spreading 'cross the Internet, and especially before Page Six gets a chance to make barely veiled comments about Albus in the Hogwarts' bathroom, using his wide stance and trying a little toe-tapping with Snape ...

Let's break this shit down.

By this morning, the second-tier queer bloggers will be going bananas. Perez will break in with something offensive.

By this afternoon, the Family Research Council will have released a press release that screams, "WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?! FAGGOTRY IN CHILDREN'S BOOKS? BLASPHEMY!"
By tonight, Saturday Night Live will have hurriedly put together a sketch starring Amy Poehler as Harry, Maya Rudolph as Hermione and Bill Hader as Dumbledore. It will not be funny.
Sunday morning, Tim Russert will ask Doris Kearns Goodwin which Republican candidate has the most to gain from a gay Dumbledore. She will give him a withering stare of contempt, then remember her books don't pay the bills, NBC does.

Monday morning, Matt Lauer will lead off Today with a three-expert panel discussing the implications. Dr. Drew and Ann Coulter? Likely two of the three "experts." Al Roker's weather segment afterward will feature some puns that are uncomfortable for all involved. Meredith Vieira may discuss her lack of panties simply to break the tension.

A few minutes later, the big gay bloggers, who don't post on the weekend, will finally upload something that also manages to work in the half-naked photos of Daniel Radcliffe from Equus earlier in the year.

Monday mid-morning, Sherri Shepherd will announce to The View audience that her son will never be allowed to read any of the Harry Potter series, while Joy makes a disinterested crack and tries to turn the topic back to menopause. Barbara will just sit uncomfortably because of her feminine dryness issues.

Monday noon, local newscasts will finally get around to reading the Hollywood wire stories and will work the story into their celebrity roundup segment. The ad-lib transition banter will be awk-ward.

Monday evening, Access Hollywood will have a segment from the premiere of Dan in Real Life, asking the stars of The Office what they would do if Dumbledore came out/on to them.

Later, Nancy Grace will hold court, screaming, "WAS DUMBLEDORE A REGISTERED SEXUAL OFFENDER? SHOULD HE HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO TEACH CHILDREN?!"

Still later, Larry King will interview Kathy Griffin about some gay wizard thing his producer put in his hands 30 seconds before air. Griffin will be hilarious. King will be befuddled.

Even later, Bill O'Reilly will bellow: "HARRY POTTER. PART OF NAMBLA'S LEFT-WING QUEER CONSPIRACY TO MAKE MAN-BOY LOVE ACCEPTABLE? WELCOME TO THE NO-SPIN ZONE."
Finally, Jon Stewart will put the entire story in perspective. It will be devastating, hilarious, poignant and perfect.
And Ellen? She will just spend the next 72 hours turning cartwheels that her stupid dog/crying jag story is finally out of the news.

But everybody else? Brace for it.

This one's going to hit the fan.

posted by F-AF @ 01:23 AM : comment